You can laugh if you want to ...

Jake kept complaining he didn't feel good. He said his stomach ached and he did look a little pale. We were driving home and he says he has to vomit. Which he does -- all down the side of the car. After he is done, he says "Okay I can eat pizza now!"

Then we get home and the dog gobbles her food and drinks her water too fast. She makes a beeline to the door which means she is gonna spew. She gets outside, does her thing. I decide I want to hose it away. Start gagging as I do it and then gag so hard that I pee.

So there ya go.

P.S. Totally unrelated but when writing the title I was immediately reminded of this song ...

Back in action

Internet was down for over 24 hours. Four houses on the same street with the same problem. Cable company says it was just a coincidence. Yeah, sure ... the cable fairy strikes again!

Not Me! Monday

I did not shower and get dressed, get Molly dressed and head to the Y for her ballet class ... that isn't until Friday. Nope, wasn't me.

I did not tell Molly if she asked me one more time about when school started, I was going to lock her in her room forever. I'd never be that mean.

I am not looking forward to going to the library without kids because it means I can leisurely look at books without worrying about what the kids are doing. That's just plain silly talk!

What about you -- what did you most especially not do today?

About What Was Lost

One in five pregnancies end in loss.

That means the chance of you knowing someone who has had a miscarriage is high. Yet most women suffer alone because miscarriage is often a silent grief. There is only room in the pregnancy picture for happy women who go on to deliver happy babies.

But that is not always reality. About What Was Lost is a collection of essays from women who have experienced a miscarriage. The essays are powerful and ugly and real. I found myself wanting to underline almost every paragraph because what the writer said so greatly resounded with me. From the descriptions of the clinical and detached manner of some obstetricians (I am sorry but I don't want to hear my experience described as an "abortion" regardless of what your textbooks call it) to the people who mean well but hurt much with their cliched comments ("at least you know you can get pregnant").

Even if you haven't experienced a loss, I think you can take something from this book. Perhaps it will help you better understand a friend's grief.

Its ok, you can touch me ...

I am not a curse. I will not bring you bad luck.

I need not be treated like a social pariah.

Yes, I had a miscarriage.

Regardless of what you believe, I believe I lost a baby. What I saw in my ultrasound was a tiny beating heart in a tiny life. A life lost. I have three children now. Two here and one in Heaven.

Talk to me about it. I don't mind. Don't talk to me about it. I don't mind.

No, I am not over it yet. I won't ever be. I may not be crying. Or I may be.

You don't get to decide when my grief ends. I do.

Take heed ...

Little known cooking advice from Julia Child: Do not leave dinner on counter and leave 90-pound Lab alone with it. Half your dinner will disappear.

The seal has been broken ...

I got my first call of the year from school - and it is only the second day. Fortunately, it was a minor lunch issue BUT I can't tell you how my stomach clenched seeing the familiar number show up in the caller ID. Its a reminder that a.) I don't have a "typical" student in the school system and b.) there will be more calls in the next 178 days of school.

First day of school!

Here is to a good year for Jacob!

Explain it to me like I am stupid ...

Why is there uproar over President Obama speaking to students? I understand it is a political move to gain support for him -- but isn't that what presidents do? And really why should it make me upset that he wants to encourage kids to stay in school. The horror of it!

How was your summer?

School starts again on Tuesday. Summer will officially be over for the kids and I. So when I look back at this summer, what will I remember? A cooler than usual summer. Sleeping in and staying up late. Our annual trip to Myrtle Beach with friends. Finding a shark's tooth in the sand. Evening drinks with the neighbors. Swims in the pool. The absolute joy of seeing a positive pregnancy test. The crushing heart break of seeing your little one's heart stop beating before their first breath.

So much good and so much bad in just over two months. I wouldn't change a second of it all.

Quite possibly, I have an issue ...

In one year, I have read about 170 novels.

Notes from a disgruntled reader ...

A certain book I am reading has a sheet in the back of it where library patrons can leave their thoughts. Now I will say this book is not for the delicate reader (think Jodi Piccoult's "The Tenth Circle") but it is certainly not smut. More of a realistic look at the underbelly of teen life albeit a bit graphic in its opening. So this poor soul was so appalled that ten pages into it, he or she had to put it down. Their eyes! Their fragile sensibilities!

So what does this reader do? Writes "filthy crap" in the comments section about the book. For some reason, this tickled me today. You abhor the content of the book but your intelligent response is to write "filthy crap"? Heck in some circle, your second word could be construed as ... dare I say ... swearing!

So there you go ... I am reading a book about filthy crap. If you didn't think less of me before, feel free to do it now.

Everytime we say goodbye ...

Today I had sangria with a neighbor. It felt so normal. I even felt confident that by next Spring I'd be pregnant again. Then I come home, things slow down and darn it if the sadness doesn't creep in again. I guess its always lurking in the shadows and some times I am better at keeping it at bay.

Today is a good day

Today was good. I didn't cry. I didn't wallow in self pity. There wasn't much physical or emotional pain. I laughed. I spent time with a good friend and with my family. I read a book.

Tomorrow could be horrible but TODAY was good.

Membership

I am in a club that I would never ask you to join. The membership requires that your heart be broken into a million pieces. That you know a depth of sorrow that is unfathomable. It asks that you allow your baby to leave you -- sometimes before her first breath and sometimes right after -- and enter into Heaven. Some days you are angry at being a member. Some days you are comforted knowing you are not alone. Some days you just don't know what to feel. I don't know why I was asked to be in this club. Surely I didn't ask to be. I do know there is a reason and while it might not be clear today or even tomorrow, some day it will be.

If you too belong to this club, find comfort in knowing that you are surrounded in love by those who came before you. We are sorry you are here but we are always there for you.

I Will Carry You

By Selah

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says...

I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me
To carry you

Born into Heaven

Myrtle Bean was born into Heaven today. Her little heart gave out. While I never got to hold her in my arms, she will always be in my heart.

Rest well, sweet baby. Mama will see you one day in Heaven.

So tired ...

Bleeding again. My next u/s isn't until Wednesday. I could go into the ER but the doctor said do that if its heavy. Which it is not. Yet. And maybe it won't be and all will be fine. Or maybe it won't be fine. I dunno. Its just hard to be on this roller coaster.

Limbo Land

Had another u/s today and Myrtle is still hanging on. She even grew a little. Her hb is still dangerously low (77 bpm). The doctor was neither negative or positive -- he said its good that she grew, that she does have a hb and the sac looks good. Its bad that the hb is so low. I have to go back weekly for u/s until something happens -- good or bad.

This is the crappy post

Where I let the blogosphere know that I am losing the baby. That's actually a dumb phrase -- losing the baby -- because I know exactly where the baby is ... not with me. Even that's only half true because I did see the wee one and its even wee'er little heartbeat and let me tell you that is the hardest part. Hardest. Knowing you have a life inside you that is slowly extinguishing. Poof.

I am not mad at God, myself, the world or anyone. Its just sucks. A big giant ball of suckiness. A big ginormous crappy ball of even crappier suckiness.

Now I am going to close my eyes and wait for the Tylenol PM to kick. My friends, tomorrow has GOT to be a better day.