Notes from a disgruntled reader ...

A certain book I am reading has a sheet in the back of it where library patrons can leave their thoughts. Now I will say this book is not for the delicate reader (think Jodi Piccoult's "The Tenth Circle") but it is certainly not smut. More of a realistic look at the underbelly of teen life albeit a bit graphic in its opening. So this poor soul was so appalled that ten pages into it, he or she had to put it down. Their eyes! Their fragile sensibilities!

So what does this reader do? Writes "filthy crap" in the comments section about the book. For some reason, this tickled me today. You abhor the content of the book but your intelligent response is to write "filthy crap"? Heck in some circle, your second word could be construed as ... dare I say ... swearing!

So there you go ... I am reading a book about filthy crap. If you didn't think less of me before, feel free to do it now.

Everytime we say goodbye ...

Today I had sangria with a neighbor. It felt so normal. I even felt confident that by next Spring I'd be pregnant again. Then I come home, things slow down and darn it if the sadness doesn't creep in again. I guess its always lurking in the shadows and some times I am better at keeping it at bay.

Today is a good day

Today was good. I didn't cry. I didn't wallow in self pity. There wasn't much physical or emotional pain. I laughed. I spent time with a good friend and with my family. I read a book.

Tomorrow could be horrible but TODAY was good.

Membership

I am in a club that I would never ask you to join. The membership requires that your heart be broken into a million pieces. That you know a depth of sorrow that is unfathomable. It asks that you allow your baby to leave you -- sometimes before her first breath and sometimes right after -- and enter into Heaven. Some days you are angry at being a member. Some days you are comforted knowing you are not alone. Some days you just don't know what to feel. I don't know why I was asked to be in this club. Surely I didn't ask to be. I do know there is a reason and while it might not be clear today or even tomorrow, some day it will be.

If you too belong to this club, find comfort in knowing that you are surrounded in love by those who came before you. We are sorry you are here but we are always there for you.

I Will Carry You

By Selah

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says...

I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me
To carry you

Born into Heaven

Myrtle Bean was born into Heaven today. Her little heart gave out. While I never got to hold her in my arms, she will always be in my heart.

Rest well, sweet baby. Mama will see you one day in Heaven.

So tired ...

Bleeding again. My next u/s isn't until Wednesday. I could go into the ER but the doctor said do that if its heavy. Which it is not. Yet. And maybe it won't be and all will be fine. Or maybe it won't be fine. I dunno. Its just hard to be on this roller coaster.

Limbo Land

Had another u/s today and Myrtle is still hanging on. She even grew a little. Her hb is still dangerously low (77 bpm). The doctor was neither negative or positive -- he said its good that she grew, that she does have a hb and the sac looks good. Its bad that the hb is so low. I have to go back weekly for u/s until something happens -- good or bad.

This is the crappy post

Where I let the blogosphere know that I am losing the baby. That's actually a dumb phrase -- losing the baby -- because I know exactly where the baby is ... not with me. Even that's only half true because I did see the wee one and its even wee'er little heartbeat and let me tell you that is the hardest part. Hardest. Knowing you have a life inside you that is slowly extinguishing. Poof.

I am not mad at God, myself, the world or anyone. Its just sucks. A big giant ball of suckiness. A big ginormous crappy ball of even crappier suckiness.

Now I am going to close my eyes and wait for the Tylenol PM to kick. My friends, tomorrow has GOT to be a better day.