I have been thinking lately about being a mother and how much it isn't what I expected. A better way to say it is that I am surprised at my reaction to motherhood. When I was pregnant with my first, I had some expectations for what it would be like to have a child. Of course, a 10-month battle with colic and a two-month premature nervous system pretty much eliminated those fantasies. But even that didn't really surprise me as much as my own reaction to being a Mom. I thought I would slide into the role with no looking back. Now don't get me wrong, I love my kids and I will protect them like a Mama Bear does her cubs. But sometimes I catch myself looking back into the past and wishing for that freedom. There are times when motherhood fits me like a too-tight dress, squashing the person on the inside. Am I overly selfish or is it natural to feel this way? I see some people who completely lose themselves in their role as Mom and I feel a little jealous. I wish it came that easy for me. You'd think after seven years, it would. Still, everyday, I find myself struggling a bit against what *I* want and what my role as mother demands.

Prayers

"Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy ..."

Prayers go out to the families of those lost in the plane crash in Buffalo, NY.

Probably not a wise choice ...

It is probably not a good idea when you're husband is out of town and you have an active imagination ... to read a book about Vlad the Impaler and vampires. I am reading The Historian by Elizabeth Kostova. It a very subtly creepy book but creepy nonetheless.

At least I haven't locked myself and the kids in the bedroom ... yet.

Not Me ...

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

I did not contemplate setting my alarm clock ahead an hour so I could get the kids to sleep earlier last night.

I did not go to the grocery store to get milk and walk out having spent $60.

I did not bribe my daughter to nap (really I didn't but I am about to do it).

I did not consider letting my son stay home from school so I could sleep an extra 30 minutes.

What about you? What did you not do today?

I am just saying ...

It's a little weird when your daughter pretends her gum is pleading "Don't eat me" before she pops it in her mouth.