Chicago weekend

My final post ...

Dear Reader,

This is my final post. Perhaps this is my final moment of life. Because when my dear husband comes home to find I have broken the Christmas cookie jar lovingly purchased by his Grandma B all those years ago -- let's just say it won't be pretty.

So its been real and all. I appreciate you dropping by.

Signed,
Soon to Be Gone

(Think he'll notice ...)

I am here.

Been out of town for over a week and I have nothing brilliant to say to you all. I am sure inspiration will strike soon and I will be back. Until then ... miss me. And enjoy a picture or two ...

Riddle me this ...

I don't understand the concept of spending money to have someone tell you how to save money. A friend of mine is a big proponent of Savings Angel . And I am no way critiquing her use of it -- she really does seem to make it work for her. But I have looked at the website and I don't get it. I mean I get it but I don't know why I'd want to shell out $20 for someone to tell me where to get a coupon. Plus most of their "success" stories show piles upon piles pre-packaged crap. And while I love my Ho-Ho's as much as the next person, I want to know how to save money on stuff that's actually GOOD for my family.

On another tangent ... is there a new 11th Commandment that states: "All Christians shall follow Dave Ramsey"? I am going to pay money for his videos, books, lectures, etc. -- so he can tell me how to save money? Contradictory much? Meanwhile Ramsey is becoming a fat cat off of all the people Americans who can't figure out saving money is better than spending money. Here's some advice for free: STOP SPENDING MONEY YOU DON'T HAVE! There ya go. I just saved you from having to buy anything from Ramsey.

If you are looking for some good FREE advice on how to save money, here are a few websites I frequent:

Money Savings Mom
STL Mommy
Freebies 4 Mom

Jacob meets his favorite author ...

We traveled to Battle Creek on Thursday evening so Jacob could meet his favorite author and illustrator Mark Crilley. Jacob acted a little shy but he was really thrilled to meet him. (Even though the picture might have you thinking otherwise.)

Unlike a certain "author" (ahemkategosselinahem) I met last year, Mark was extremely gracious and personable. He knows how to hold the interest and attention of his audience regardless of their age. And he genuinely seems to appreciate that you want to read his books.

If you have a child who likes to read adventure stories -- especially humorous ones that take place in outer space -- check out Mark's Akiko series.  Jake is reading the series for the second time around - he liked it that much. And I find it just as entertaining as he does which makes it bedtime reading a lot easier. 

P.S. Mark also has a manga series called Miki Falls that might appeal to an older child or teen.

Life's lemons ...

are tomorrow's lemonade. Right?

Well frankly I am sick of lemons and I don't want to make any lemonade. Yes, my friends, this is another edition of Jen's Pity Party. I will be honest in saying I don't cling to God as tightly as I should in these moments.

I'm trying.

Morning person am not I

I am not fully human until I ingest at least one cup of coffee in the morning. It takes me close to an hour to finish that cup of coffee. (I am also very, very slow in the morning.) Until that point, I like to keep my human interaction down to the lowest level.

Really, in a perfect world, I would be left alone until at least 10:30 a.m. This not being a perfect world, I am forced to get two kids ready for the day. Two kids who when their feet hit the floor instantaneously turn into bouncing, talking and otherwise active little beings. How I produced such morning people will forever remain a mystery to me (I blame their father).

Land Shark ... A Monday giggle ...

One of my all time favorite Saturday Night Live skits ...

(No YouTube copy of it, sorry.)

http://www.videosift.com/video/Plumber-Maam?fromdupe=Saturday-Night-Live-Land-Shark

(I admit to having an irrational fear of sharks. There have been no truly substantiated cases of sharks making their way into the Great Lakes BUT just in case, I will stick to pools.

In the immortal words of Cole Porter ... "Give me pool, lots of pool and the chlorinated waves! Don't make me swim (in a lake)!")

Five years ago today ...

A little peanut came into the world  ...

She was due to arrive on Christmas Eve but decided that All Saints Day was a better option. She weighed four pounds, 8 ounces and was 18 inches long. From the start, Miss Molly has done things her way and in her time.

Happy Birthday sweet, beautiful girl!

Happy Halloween

Sigh

Sometimes, out of nowhere, it creeps up on me ... like a sucker punch to the heart and soul.

Gone ...

Slap a chef's hat on me ...

... and call me a cooker*!

I attempted my first batch on garlic naan bread and it was a success. I am a little worried because Dave said "see you can bake" so there might be expectations associated with such a statement. Though in my defense (or offense?) there was no baking, just dough making and then grilling. There were a lot more when I started but I gave some to the neighbor and we ate quite a few with dinner (Chicken Tikka Masala - no culinary excitement there except opening up a jar of Patak's Tikka Masala sauce).

I used the recipe found at All Recipes and I highly recommend reading the comments. There were a few really useful tips in them.

* Not to be confused with a hooker, this is Molly's term for a chef.

Not Me! Monday!

I did not spend a good chunk of the morning and afternoon at the urgent care clinic with Molly. We did not have to get her an x-ray to rule out pneumonia. (It DID turn out to be (just) bronchitis. Phew!) I did not do a little happy dance at the idea of Robitussin with codeine possibly making Miss Moo a little sleepy -- 'cause I would never wish for a nap.

Not me. Nope.

I did not obsessively use antibacterial wash on our hands after seeing several people wearing masks in the waiting room (and one guy with blood all over his leg!?!). We also did not ask the nurse if we could see her x-rays just because -- and it did not freak Molly out a bit to see her insides.

I also did not break into the Halloween candy when we got home.

Nope, not me!

So what did you NOT do today?

Sunday

We took a family trip to Vander Mill Cider Mill and Winery this afternoon to get some pumpkins and other goodies. We got some tasty Apple Blueberry Hard Cider that is surprisingly not overly sweet. We got to sample their other hard ciders -- so fun! I have not gone wine tasting in years. Need to do that soon.

A lifelong love of reading ...

"I have always imagined that paradise will be a kind of library."

— Jorge Luis Borges

I was blessed to have been raised by parents who always encouraged my love of reading. Books have always been an escape for me -- an adventure to a new and exciting place. One of my favorite things to do as a child was to go into my closet with a book and a flashlight. Something about the close quarters and a good book was a comfort for me. I never remember my Mom discouraging me from reading a certain book -- even through my unfortunate V.C. Andrews stage.

I started reading to my children before they were even born. With Jacob, it was Guess How Much I Love You by Sam McBratney every night to my growing belly. Molly, being a second child, was stuck listening to whatever her brother chose at the time. Both kids but especially Jacob have inherited my love of books. Between the two of them, we read six books a night before bed.

I can't say that I always enjoy the books they choose (how many Fancy Nancy books can one read before their head explodes?) but I never tell them "no" when choosing a book. A friend of mine once told me that the surest way to discourage your child in becoming a reader was to continuously tell them they couldn't read a book.

While at the library yesterday, I overheard a mother telling her three kids at least 8 times that they couldn't borrow the books they had chosen. Eight times they were discouraged because the mother didn't want a movie-related book or a book about princesses or a book about superheroes ...

All I could think was that her kids spent time looking and picking (I saw them doing it) and her she was slamming their choices. I am not saying kids should be able to read inappropriate material (be that because of content or maturity of the child). But how many times can you say "no" before the kids stop asking? Its just not a risk I want to take.

And the winner is ...

Danz!

Through scientific methods, you were chosen as the lucky winner! Let me know what book you'd like.

Parenting Advice ... with a giveaway!

When I was pregnant with Molly, she was constantly moving in utero. I would lay down to sleep and she would start her own her own version of placental disco fever. So it shouldn't have surprised me that at 30 weeks my water broke -- she probably kicked a hole in it. When I was on the monitor in L&D for eight hours -- she rested no more than 20 minutes. That's one 20 minute period in eight hours, folks!

I sometimes think she came into the world at 32 weeks because she was too impatient to wait and "dang it!" she wanted things HER WAY! That has pretty much been her motto since birth -- I want what I want NOW and I will do whatever it takes to get it. So, needless to say, parenting her can be a bit of a challenge at times.

So in an effort to help you through your challenging parental moments -- I am offering you a chance to win one of four parenting books. If you win, you choose the one that you want to get.

Do you need advice on potty training? Then you might want to pick "Potty Train Your Child in Just One Day" by Teri Crane. How about whining? Then I suggest "Win the Whining War & Other Skirmishes" by Cynthia Whitham. Is your child particularly strong-willed and oppositional? Then "Parenting A Defiant Child" by Phillip and Nancy Hall might be your answer. And for those of you with children on the Autism Spectrum, I have a book of social stories - - "My Social Stories" by Carol Gray -- that can help your child with everything from washing their hair to going out to eat.

All you have to do is leave a comment with the BEST and WORST parenting advice you ever received. Then tell me which of the books you would like to get. Molly will get the honor of picking a winner through very scientific means and I will announce the person tomorrow.

P.S. Coming tomorrow ...

In honor of my recent frustration with my children, I will be giving away a parenting book to one (of my three) lucky reader!

Wednesday mail

I got some goodies in the mail from Boiron Homeopathic that couldn't have come at a better time since Molly was home sick (again, for those keeping track of our illnesses). The deal was if you were a "Mommy blogger" you could get samples of three of their children's medicines: Children's Coldcalm® Pellets, Children's Oscillococcinum® and Children's Chestal

Molly tried the Chestal and couldn't get it down. She said it was nasty despite its supposed "pleasant taste". It even smelled horrible so I had a feeling she wouldn't like it. The ColdCalm pellets were easier -- and she immediately said she wanted to take those again. Which, if you follow the directions, she'd have to do every 20 minutes for the first hour and then every two hours thereafter. I don't know about you - but that seems like a lot.

That's my biggest issue with homeopathic -- the dosing is so frequent that it becomes tedious. I am really interested in safer and more natural treatments to illness especially in this day of over medicating. So I guess I just need to deal with the frequent dosing -- especially if the results are positive.

P.S. I also got a free sample of Burt's Bees Acne spot treatment. If you know me, you know I love a freebie. I learn about most of my freebies at Money Saving Mom.

Dealing with miscarriage ...

A few of my favorite Mommy bloggers talking about something so many women experience ...

Five years ago today ...

I was 30 weeks pregnant with Molly when my water broke at 3 a.m. We had suspected it the day before but were told I was fine. The late night trip to the ER confirmed all was NOT fine.

I would spend the next 12 days watching Gilmore Girls and eating hospital food.

(And consider being wheeled down to the u/s room a big outing.)

Happy Fall Days ...

A girl and her chicken ...

Who needs a teddy bear when you can have a rubber chicken*?

* A rubber chicken that screams when you squeeze it and can only be found at Spencer's in the mall. Which is a FABULOUS place to take a four-year-old.

Covet

God, forgive me but I covet this necklace from Lisa Leonard something fierce ...

So if anyone wanted to buy me a gift, I wouldn't object.

Channeling my inner Martha ...

(... minus the whole urge to take insider tips, of course, and land myself in prison.)

When Martha does a project, I imagine it goes something like this:

Martha: First you take your glue gun, add some glitter and *voila* your masterpiece is done.

When I do a project, it goes more like this:

Me: What the ...? Ow! Stupid glue gun! No! NO! NO! Don't fall. DON'T FALL! Oh forget it ...

Good News Bad News

First, the good news:
* My hubby made me apple turnovers and fried egg sandwiches. Yum.
* I got a lot of reading done this weekend.
* It is getting cool enough to put the flannel sheets on the bed.

Then the bad news:
* I have been sick all weekend.
* Since I have spent most of my time in bed, I didn't notice until today that the house is a mess.

I'm hiding ...

... 'cause the cold bug is knockin' at the door.

My head is stuffy, my nose is drippy and I can feel drainage at the back of my throat. I am also overwhelmingly tired. It doesn't help that it is a rainy and cold day. I want to crawl into bed, pull the covers over me and wake up tomorrow feeling better.

(This, by the way, is not my bed. This bed was made by Shawn Lovell. I am not sure it really falls under the "comfortable" category. And you better hope no birds to decide to nest there.)

Sleepy days

Rainy and cold days are perfect for naps. Nothing is more calming than the pitter-patter of rain on the roof while you snuggle under a warm blanket. Don't you agree?

Miss Manners

Miss Manners once called me collect. My question is -- does that show good manners?

Not Me! Monday!

You know the drill ...



I did NOT spend all day and evening and most of the night thinking I was NOT going to participate in this week's round.

I did NOT send my hubby a picture of myself holding a (scrumptiously adorable) two-week old baby and try to convince him I won the baby at MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers).

I did NOT partake in some wine at 4 p.m. with a friend. We both needed it.

I did NOT wish I could put a "Do No Disturb" sign on my life ... at least for today. Possibly tomorrow.

So what did you NOT do?

Silent Sunday

Somebody's watching me ...

Do you have a preschool-aged child? Perhaps you can relate to this song then. Molly is constantly watching me, following me, asking me questions, etc. It seems like the more attention I give her, the more she demands.

Today we ate breakfast and took her brother to the bus stop. We have done a craft and read some of her Brain Quest cards. She also pretended to get ready alongside me in the bathroom.

Its just 11 a.m.

My Mom tells me to appreciate that she wants to spend time with me because one day she won't and I understand this concept. Really, I do. But seriously .. when someone is watching you poop it gets a little hard to see the trees through the forest.

Or alternately she will demand my attention, get distracted and then I will move on to do something else. The minute I do, she is pissed because I am not paying her attention.

I am not good at getting down on the floor and playing Polly Pockets, Barbies, or other imaginary games. Puzzles, games, crafts and reading are more my forte. And while its still not my favorite thing to do (minus the reading) it certainly beats playing "Barbie is Mommy and you are the babysitter so here watch my baby named Bella/Sara/Jazz for the 100th time".

I have read varying opinions on how much time I should be spending with her and how much I should encourage her to play on her own. Its hard to know what is right. I want her to be independent but not feel neglected. But I am her Mom, not her constant playmate. Sometimes I just want to use the bathroom without having to leave a detailed map to my location and/or giving a play-by-play of the action.

Someone tell me this is phase and that all preschoolers go through it. Tell me I am not raising a girl who will seek attention -- positive or negative -- her entire life. Or give me the number to a good convent in Siberia.

Amen, sista! (aka break the china!)

Truer words were never spoken (or written) then what my friend Michelle said in her blog. Go check it out.

I love this face.

Not Me! Monday

Its another rousing rendition of the little ditty we have all come to know as ... Not Me! Monday ...

I assure you I did not read a scary book last night that had me thinking every creak was a monster on the stairs. Laugh if you must but I challenge you to read "The House of Lost Souls" by F.G. Cottam and not hear things going bump in the night.

I did not allow the kids to sleep in well past the normal wake up time. And after doing this I did not have to drive my son to school. Where I did not curse the debacle that is the carpool lane.

I did not go to Marshalls to buy something for my husband only to end up with something for Molly and I as well.

I do not plan to tell the kids it is bedtime earlier than normal and take advantage of the rain making it dark early.

So what are you NOT going to do?

Good News Bad News

Good news?
1.) I got to see college friends I haven't seen in years.
2.) I got a new (to me) minivan.

Bad news?
1.) I haven't caught up on my sleep from doing #1 in the good news list.
2.) I got a minivan and therefore will never possibly be cool again. Ever.

Make A Fall "Wreath" (Now with picture!)

Totally stealing this idea from Domestic Dork and making one ...

Make A Fall "Wreath"

She's cute ...

And she knows it!

Light a candle on October 15th ...

Nature Channel.

I am not much of an outside person -- what with all the bugs and fresh air. Jake is like me in that respect. Molly, on the other hand, has already asked me at 8:30 a.m. this morning (before my second cup of coffee) if we can go out. She wants to be outside any chance she can get. I was in a giving mood yesterday so I caved to her incessant begging to go outside. We then had this impromptu lesson on worms and toads.

The world's largest worm discovered in our garage.

We relocated it to the flower bed (or weed bed)

Then we found a toad in our garage. We moved it outside too. After seeing if the dog would eat it or carry it around on her back. She wouldn't.

All in all, it was a good day for us and the frog.

Last one standing.

You know how when you buy a certain car, you suddenly start seeing it all over the road. It is like everyone and their mother's aunt's dog's sitter is driving one.

Well I have discovered the same is for pregnant women. I am probably a tad feeling sorry for myself. But it seems like I can hold my arms out without hitting a pregnant belly. College friend, due on my original due date. Sister-in-law, due on my adjusted due date.

I'd be almost 12 weeks -- ready for the second trimester with a little pouch and the beginnings of movement. Instead I am in the middle of my first post-miscarriage AF with little more in my belly than some Indian food (albeit good Indian food). 

I am trying to move away from posting about the miscarriage all the time and having that become the focus of this blog. But please excuse this little foray into self-pity. I swear its momentary.

News Flash!

Today is Wednesday, not Thursday.

There is no point in wasting precious brain cells worrying over the recycling and garbage that needs to be taken out for Garbage Day (which is Thursday) when today is actually Wednesday. Your husband will look at you funny when you tell him to take out the garbage because -- you guessed it -- today is Wednesday.

Gonna be a long rest of the week.

Not Me! Monday

There is no way that I ran out of eggs and had to drag myself to the store before our first MOPS meeting of the new year to get my "homemade" muffins. And I certainly didn't tell a co-leader that maybe I didn't want to be a leader ... before the first meeting even started.

I certainly don't have 10 books from the library on my nightstand ... and I didn't add more to it this afternoon. I also didn't think to myself that we need to find a new branch because we've read all the good books. Its not like we read six books every night.

And I am not going to look at a new car this evening that would officially make me a "Mini-van Mom". Not me, I am too cool for that.

So what did you not do today?

So many questions ...

"I went away full, but the LORD has brought me back empty."

Book of Ruth, 1:21

When I get to Heaven, I will have so many questions for God. At the top of the list will be why do babies and little children have to die. My dear friend Katina lost her long-awaited daughter Rachel at 26 weeks. I don't understand and I am trying to rest in knowing that He does.

Please, if you can, keep Katina and her family in your thoughts and prayers.

You can laugh if you want to ...

Jake kept complaining he didn't feel good. He said his stomach ached and he did look a little pale. We were driving home and he says he has to vomit. Which he does -- all down the side of the car. After he is done, he says "Okay I can eat pizza now!"

Then we get home and the dog gobbles her food and drinks her water too fast. She makes a beeline to the door which means she is gonna spew. She gets outside, does her thing. I decide I want to hose it away. Start gagging as I do it and then gag so hard that I pee.

So there ya go.

P.S. Totally unrelated but when writing the title I was immediately reminded of this song ...

Back in action

Internet was down for over 24 hours. Four houses on the same street with the same problem. Cable company says it was just a coincidence. Yeah, sure ... the cable fairy strikes again!

Not Me! Monday

I did not shower and get dressed, get Molly dressed and head to the Y for her ballet class ... that isn't until Friday. Nope, wasn't me.

I did not tell Molly if she asked me one more time about when school started, I was going to lock her in her room forever. I'd never be that mean.

I am not looking forward to going to the library without kids because it means I can leisurely look at books without worrying about what the kids are doing. That's just plain silly talk!

What about you -- what did you most especially not do today?

About What Was Lost

One in five pregnancies end in loss.

That means the chance of you knowing someone who has had a miscarriage is high. Yet most women suffer alone because miscarriage is often a silent grief. There is only room in the pregnancy picture for happy women who go on to deliver happy babies.

But that is not always reality. About What Was Lost is a collection of essays from women who have experienced a miscarriage. The essays are powerful and ugly and real. I found myself wanting to underline almost every paragraph because what the writer said so greatly resounded with me. From the descriptions of the clinical and detached manner of some obstetricians (I am sorry but I don't want to hear my experience described as an "abortion" regardless of what your textbooks call it) to the people who mean well but hurt much with their cliched comments ("at least you know you can get pregnant").

Even if you haven't experienced a loss, I think you can take something from this book. Perhaps it will help you better understand a friend's grief.

Its ok, you can touch me ...

I am not a curse. I will not bring you bad luck.

I need not be treated like a social pariah.

Yes, I had a miscarriage.

Regardless of what you believe, I believe I lost a baby. What I saw in my ultrasound was a tiny beating heart in a tiny life. A life lost. I have three children now. Two here and one in Heaven.

Talk to me about it. I don't mind. Don't talk to me about it. I don't mind.

No, I am not over it yet. I won't ever be. I may not be crying. Or I may be.

You don't get to decide when my grief ends. I do.

Take heed ...

Little known cooking advice from Julia Child: Do not leave dinner on counter and leave 90-pound Lab alone with it. Half your dinner will disappear.

The seal has been broken ...

I got my first call of the year from school - and it is only the second day. Fortunately, it was a minor lunch issue BUT I can't tell you how my stomach clenched seeing the familiar number show up in the caller ID. Its a reminder that a.) I don't have a "typical" student in the school system and b.) there will be more calls in the next 178 days of school.

First day of school!

Here is to a good year for Jacob!

Explain it to me like I am stupid ...

Why is there uproar over President Obama speaking to students? I understand it is a political move to gain support for him -- but isn't that what presidents do? And really why should it make me upset that he wants to encourage kids to stay in school. The horror of it!

How was your summer?

School starts again on Tuesday. Summer will officially be over for the kids and I. So when I look back at this summer, what will I remember? A cooler than usual summer. Sleeping in and staying up late. Our annual trip to Myrtle Beach with friends. Finding a shark's tooth in the sand. Evening drinks with the neighbors. Swims in the pool. The absolute joy of seeing a positive pregnancy test. The crushing heart break of seeing your little one's heart stop beating before their first breath.

So much good and so much bad in just over two months. I wouldn't change a second of it all.

Quite possibly, I have an issue ...

In one year, I have read about 170 novels.

Notes from a disgruntled reader ...

A certain book I am reading has a sheet in the back of it where library patrons can leave their thoughts. Now I will say this book is not for the delicate reader (think Jodi Piccoult's "The Tenth Circle") but it is certainly not smut. More of a realistic look at the underbelly of teen life albeit a bit graphic in its opening. So this poor soul was so appalled that ten pages into it, he or she had to put it down. Their eyes! Their fragile sensibilities!

So what does this reader do? Writes "filthy crap" in the comments section about the book. For some reason, this tickled me today. You abhor the content of the book but your intelligent response is to write "filthy crap"? Heck in some circle, your second word could be construed as ... dare I say ... swearing!

So there you go ... I am reading a book about filthy crap. If you didn't think less of me before, feel free to do it now.

Everytime we say goodbye ...

Today I had sangria with a neighbor. It felt so normal. I even felt confident that by next Spring I'd be pregnant again. Then I come home, things slow down and darn it if the sadness doesn't creep in again. I guess its always lurking in the shadows and some times I am better at keeping it at bay.

Today is a good day

Today was good. I didn't cry. I didn't wallow in self pity. There wasn't much physical or emotional pain. I laughed. I spent time with a good friend and with my family. I read a book.

Tomorrow could be horrible but TODAY was good.

Membership

I am in a club that I would never ask you to join. The membership requires that your heart be broken into a million pieces. That you know a depth of sorrow that is unfathomable. It asks that you allow your baby to leave you -- sometimes before her first breath and sometimes right after -- and enter into Heaven. Some days you are angry at being a member. Some days you are comforted knowing you are not alone. Some days you just don't know what to feel. I don't know why I was asked to be in this club. Surely I didn't ask to be. I do know there is a reason and while it might not be clear today or even tomorrow, some day it will be.

If you too belong to this club, find comfort in knowing that you are surrounded in love by those who came before you. We are sorry you are here but we are always there for you.

I Will Carry You

By Selah

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says...

I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me
To carry you

Born into Heaven

Myrtle Bean was born into Heaven today. Her little heart gave out. While I never got to hold her in my arms, she will always be in my heart.

Rest well, sweet baby. Mama will see you one day in Heaven.

So tired ...

Bleeding again. My next u/s isn't until Wednesday. I could go into the ER but the doctor said do that if its heavy. Which it is not. Yet. And maybe it won't be and all will be fine. Or maybe it won't be fine. I dunno. Its just hard to be on this roller coaster.

Limbo Land

Had another u/s today and Myrtle is still hanging on. She even grew a little. Her hb is still dangerously low (77 bpm). The doctor was neither negative or positive -- he said its good that she grew, that she does have a hb and the sac looks good. Its bad that the hb is so low. I have to go back weekly for u/s until something happens -- good or bad.

This is the crappy post

Where I let the blogosphere know that I am losing the baby. That's actually a dumb phrase -- losing the baby -- because I know exactly where the baby is ... not with me. Even that's only half true because I did see the wee one and its even wee'er little heartbeat and let me tell you that is the hardest part. Hardest. Knowing you have a life inside you that is slowly extinguishing. Poof.

I am not mad at God, myself, the world or anyone. Its just sucks. A big giant ball of suckiness. A big ginormous crappy ball of even crappier suckiness.

Now I am going to close my eyes and wait for the Tylenol PM to kick. My friends, tomorrow has GOT to be a better day.

A bun in the oven ...

That would be me.

But in the typical fashion that is my life, its not going well. My progesterone is really low (you need that to make the baby stick until the placenta takes over at 12 weeks). I had one incident of spotting but that is all. I am on some lovely supplements three times a day that make me want to rip off everyone's head while I gnaw on their exposed spinal column (really, it is that bad). And apparently my hCG levels aren't increasing as rapidly as the OB would like them. (If my body won't cooperate with me, why'd she think it would for her?) So at this point two things could happen: I will miscarry or I will go on to have a normal -- well normal for me -- pregnancy. I'd much prefer the latter.

If you have some time, could you send up some positive thoughts, prayers and wishes for me and the bean?

I love this ...

I love the groom rolling out from the bridal party. I love how he meets the bride halfway down the aisle to walk together. Its cheesy but fun -- better than a stiff affair full of the usual ho-hum. And I bet they had a heck of a great reception!

I'm hungry ... and lazy

First things first, if I am the only one in the house not eating ice cream, how do I end up having to clean up the ice cream eaters mess? Hmm? HMM?

Ok, on to other things ... I have been on a bit of a genre-specific reading kick lately. I can't get enough of memoirs (or even fiction novels) infused with recipes. Right now, its Molly Wizenberg's A Homemade Life. Really, is there a truer statement than "oozy chocolate is hard to beat." I love the quick, concise narratives that lead into each recipe. And unlike Julia Child, she has yet to espouse the wonders of sheep brains. (After reading Julie and Julia by Julie Power and My Life in France by Julia Child, I have little interest in French cooking. Merci beaucoup.)

By the by, Wizenberg had a blog before she had a book and you can check her out at Orangette. Even the picture at the top of her blog makes me drool. Mercy!

So now you know the hunger part of this post. The lazy part is just that -- I have been too lazy to post for some time. As I mentioned I was overwhelmed and feeling blah (which now makes more sense to me but that's for another post). We were also out of town visiting my family across the state -- a trip the kids and I will be making again tomorrow for less exciting reasons. Our dog, our first child, has to have surgery to remove a cancerous growth on her side. She is 11 years old but in otherwise perfect health (really, the vet said she was perfect before we decided to aspirate the pesky growth). So Tuesday she will have her surgery on the east side of the state where Alli has been vacationing with my Mom for several months (another long story for another post).



So that's my story and I am sticking to it.

Overwhelmed

I haven't felt much like posting this week. I feel anxious and overwhelmed for no good reason particularly since I have no pressing plans (unless you count the laundry which has now taken me a week to complete -- and not because there was tons of it). The problem I have (maybe everyone does) is that when I feel overwhelmed, I don't press forward. I go into the previously mentioned sloth mode and do nothing. It means the kids are fed but otherwise left to their own devices (TV and computer being a favorite). I can literally feel the anxiety like a small engine humming under my skin. Its not a fun way to be but this too shall pass.

Vacation after vacation

Why is that when you go on a "relaxing" vacation, you need another vacation to recover from the vacation? Is it the mounds of laundry that pile up? The suitcases that need to be unpacked? The mail that needs to be sorted? Errands to be run?

I dunno. Whatever it is ... I need a vacation after my vacation!

Today I am planning to do nothing outside of the occasional load of laundry. There are lots of things I should do but nothing I will do.

If you look for me today, this is what you will see:

Happy 4th of July!

From the deck at our condo in Myrtle Beach (look closely and you can see the ocean behind the kids)...

Beached out

Life on the beach ...