Sunday

We took a family trip to Vander Mill Cider Mill and Winery this afternoon to get some pumpkins and other goodies. We got some tasty Apple Blueberry Hard Cider that is surprisingly not overly sweet. We got to sample their other hard ciders -- so fun! I have not gone wine tasting in years. Need to do that soon.

A lifelong love of reading ...

"I have always imagined that paradise will be a kind of library."

— Jorge Luis Borges

I was blessed to have been raised by parents who always encouraged my love of reading. Books have always been an escape for me -- an adventure to a new and exciting place. One of my favorite things to do as a child was to go into my closet with a book and a flashlight. Something about the close quarters and a good book was a comfort for me. I never remember my Mom discouraging me from reading a certain book -- even through my unfortunate V.C. Andrews stage.

I started reading to my children before they were even born. With Jacob, it was Guess How Much I Love You by Sam McBratney every night to my growing belly. Molly, being a second child, was stuck listening to whatever her brother chose at the time. Both kids but especially Jacob have inherited my love of books. Between the two of them, we read six books a night before bed.

I can't say that I always enjoy the books they choose (how many Fancy Nancy books can one read before their head explodes?) but I never tell them "no" when choosing a book. A friend of mine once told me that the surest way to discourage your child in becoming a reader was to continuously tell them they couldn't read a book.

While at the library yesterday, I overheard a mother telling her three kids at least 8 times that they couldn't borrow the books they had chosen. Eight times they were discouraged because the mother didn't want a movie-related book or a book about princesses or a book about superheroes ...

All I could think was that her kids spent time looking and picking (I saw them doing it) and her she was slamming their choices. I am not saying kids should be able to read inappropriate material (be that because of content or maturity of the child). But how many times can you say "no" before the kids stop asking? Its just not a risk I want to take.

And the winner is ...

Danz!

Through scientific methods, you were chosen as the lucky winner! Let me know what book you'd like.

Parenting Advice ... with a giveaway!

When I was pregnant with Molly, she was constantly moving in utero. I would lay down to sleep and she would start her own her own version of placental disco fever. So it shouldn't have surprised me that at 30 weeks my water broke -- she probably kicked a hole in it. When I was on the monitor in L&D for eight hours -- she rested no more than 20 minutes. That's one 20 minute period in eight hours, folks!

I sometimes think she came into the world at 32 weeks because she was too impatient to wait and "dang it!" she wanted things HER WAY! That has pretty much been her motto since birth -- I want what I want NOW and I will do whatever it takes to get it. So, needless to say, parenting her can be a bit of a challenge at times.

So in an effort to help you through your challenging parental moments -- I am offering you a chance to win one of four parenting books. If you win, you choose the one that you want to get.

Do you need advice on potty training? Then you might want to pick "Potty Train Your Child in Just One Day" by Teri Crane. How about whining? Then I suggest "Win the Whining War & Other Skirmishes" by Cynthia Whitham. Is your child particularly strong-willed and oppositional? Then "Parenting A Defiant Child" by Phillip and Nancy Hall might be your answer. And for those of you with children on the Autism Spectrum, I have a book of social stories - - "My Social Stories" by Carol Gray -- that can help your child with everything from washing their hair to going out to eat.

All you have to do is leave a comment with the BEST and WORST parenting advice you ever received. Then tell me which of the books you would like to get. Molly will get the honor of picking a winner through very scientific means and I will announce the person tomorrow.

P.S. Coming tomorrow ...

In honor of my recent frustration with my children, I will be giving away a parenting book to one (of my three) lucky reader!

Wednesday mail

I got some goodies in the mail from Boiron Homeopathic that couldn't have come at a better time since Molly was home sick (again, for those keeping track of our illnesses). The deal was if you were a "Mommy blogger" you could get samples of three of their children's medicines: Children's Coldcalm® Pellets, Children's Oscillococcinum® and Children's Chestal

Molly tried the Chestal and couldn't get it down. She said it was nasty despite its supposed "pleasant taste". It even smelled horrible so I had a feeling she wouldn't like it. The ColdCalm pellets were easier -- and she immediately said she wanted to take those again. Which, if you follow the directions, she'd have to do every 20 minutes for the first hour and then every two hours thereafter. I don't know about you - but that seems like a lot.

That's my biggest issue with homeopathic -- the dosing is so frequent that it becomes tedious. I am really interested in safer and more natural treatments to illness especially in this day of over medicating. So I guess I just need to deal with the frequent dosing -- especially if the results are positive.

P.S. I also got a free sample of Burt's Bees Acne spot treatment. If you know me, you know I love a freebie. I learn about most of my freebies at Money Saving Mom.

Dealing with miscarriage ...

A few of my favorite Mommy bloggers talking about something so many women experience ...

Five years ago today ...

I was 30 weeks pregnant with Molly when my water broke at 3 a.m. We had suspected it the day before but were told I was fine. The late night trip to the ER confirmed all was NOT fine.

I would spend the next 12 days watching Gilmore Girls and eating hospital food.

(And consider being wheeled down to the u/s room a big outing.)

Happy Fall Days ...

A girl and her chicken ...

Who needs a teddy bear when you can have a rubber chicken*?

* A rubber chicken that screams when you squeeze it and can only be found at Spencer's in the mall. Which is a FABULOUS place to take a four-year-old.

Covet

God, forgive me but I covet this necklace from Lisa Leonard something fierce ...

So if anyone wanted to buy me a gift, I wouldn't object.

Channeling my inner Martha ...

(... minus the whole urge to take insider tips, of course, and land myself in prison.)

When Martha does a project, I imagine it goes something like this:

Martha: First you take your glue gun, add some glitter and *voila* your masterpiece is done.

When I do a project, it goes more like this:

Me: What the ...? Ow! Stupid glue gun! No! NO! NO! Don't fall. DON'T FALL! Oh forget it ...

Good News Bad News

First, the good news:
* My hubby made me apple turnovers and fried egg sandwiches. Yum.
* I got a lot of reading done this weekend.
* It is getting cool enough to put the flannel sheets on the bed.

Then the bad news:
* I have been sick all weekend.
* Since I have spent most of my time in bed, I didn't notice until today that the house is a mess.

I'm hiding ...

... 'cause the cold bug is knockin' at the door.

My head is stuffy, my nose is drippy and I can feel drainage at the back of my throat. I am also overwhelmingly tired. It doesn't help that it is a rainy and cold day. I want to crawl into bed, pull the covers over me and wake up tomorrow feeling better.

(This, by the way, is not my bed. This bed was made by Shawn Lovell. I am not sure it really falls under the "comfortable" category. And you better hope no birds to decide to nest there.)

Sleepy days

Rainy and cold days are perfect for naps. Nothing is more calming than the pitter-patter of rain on the roof while you snuggle under a warm blanket. Don't you agree?

Miss Manners

Miss Manners once called me collect. My question is -- does that show good manners?

Not Me! Monday!

You know the drill ...



I did NOT spend all day and evening and most of the night thinking I was NOT going to participate in this week's round.

I did NOT send my hubby a picture of myself holding a (scrumptiously adorable) two-week old baby and try to convince him I won the baby at MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers).

I did NOT partake in some wine at 4 p.m. with a friend. We both needed it.

I did NOT wish I could put a "Do No Disturb" sign on my life ... at least for today. Possibly tomorrow.

So what did you NOT do?

Silent Sunday

Somebody's watching me ...

Do you have a preschool-aged child? Perhaps you can relate to this song then. Molly is constantly watching me, following me, asking me questions, etc. It seems like the more attention I give her, the more she demands.

Today we ate breakfast and took her brother to the bus stop. We have done a craft and read some of her Brain Quest cards. She also pretended to get ready alongside me in the bathroom.

Its just 11 a.m.

My Mom tells me to appreciate that she wants to spend time with me because one day she won't and I understand this concept. Really, I do. But seriously .. when someone is watching you poop it gets a little hard to see the trees through the forest.

Or alternately she will demand my attention, get distracted and then I will move on to do something else. The minute I do, she is pissed because I am not paying her attention.

I am not good at getting down on the floor and playing Polly Pockets, Barbies, or other imaginary games. Puzzles, games, crafts and reading are more my forte. And while its still not my favorite thing to do (minus the reading) it certainly beats playing "Barbie is Mommy and you are the babysitter so here watch my baby named Bella/Sara/Jazz for the 100th time".

I have read varying opinions on how much time I should be spending with her and how much I should encourage her to play on her own. Its hard to know what is right. I want her to be independent but not feel neglected. But I am her Mom, not her constant playmate. Sometimes I just want to use the bathroom without having to leave a detailed map to my location and/or giving a play-by-play of the action.

Someone tell me this is phase and that all preschoolers go through it. Tell me I am not raising a girl who will seek attention -- positive or negative -- her entire life. Or give me the number to a good convent in Siberia.

Amen, sista! (aka break the china!)

Truer words were never spoken (or written) then what my friend Michelle said in her blog. Go check it out.

I love this face.

Not Me! Monday

Its another rousing rendition of the little ditty we have all come to know as ... Not Me! Monday ...

I assure you I did not read a scary book last night that had me thinking every creak was a monster on the stairs. Laugh if you must but I challenge you to read "The House of Lost Souls" by F.G. Cottam and not hear things going bump in the night.

I did not allow the kids to sleep in well past the normal wake up time. And after doing this I did not have to drive my son to school. Where I did not curse the debacle that is the carpool lane.

I did not go to Marshalls to buy something for my husband only to end up with something for Molly and I as well.

I do not plan to tell the kids it is bedtime earlier than normal and take advantage of the rain making it dark early.

So what are you NOT going to do?

Good News Bad News

Good news?
1.) I got to see college friends I haven't seen in years.
2.) I got a new (to me) minivan.

Bad news?
1.) I haven't caught up on my sleep from doing #1 in the good news list.
2.) I got a minivan and therefore will never possibly be cool again. Ever.

Make A Fall "Wreath" (Now with picture!)

Totally stealing this idea from Domestic Dork and making one ...

Make A Fall "Wreath"

She's cute ...

And she knows it!

Light a candle on October 15th ...

Nature Channel.

I am not much of an outside person -- what with all the bugs and fresh air. Jake is like me in that respect. Molly, on the other hand, has already asked me at 8:30 a.m. this morning (before my second cup of coffee) if we can go out. She wants to be outside any chance she can get. I was in a giving mood yesterday so I caved to her incessant begging to go outside. We then had this impromptu lesson on worms and toads.

The world's largest worm discovered in our garage.

We relocated it to the flower bed (or weed bed)

Then we found a toad in our garage. We moved it outside too. After seeing if the dog would eat it or carry it around on her back. She wouldn't.

All in all, it was a good day for us and the frog.

Last one standing.

You know how when you buy a certain car, you suddenly start seeing it all over the road. It is like everyone and their mother's aunt's dog's sitter is driving one.

Well I have discovered the same is for pregnant women. I am probably a tad feeling sorry for myself. But it seems like I can hold my arms out without hitting a pregnant belly. College friend, due on my original due date. Sister-in-law, due on my adjusted due date.

I'd be almost 12 weeks -- ready for the second trimester with a little pouch and the beginnings of movement. Instead I am in the middle of my first post-miscarriage AF with little more in my belly than some Indian food (albeit good Indian food). 

I am trying to move away from posting about the miscarriage all the time and having that become the focus of this blog. But please excuse this little foray into self-pity. I swear its momentary.

News Flash!

Today is Wednesday, not Thursday.

There is no point in wasting precious brain cells worrying over the recycling and garbage that needs to be taken out for Garbage Day (which is Thursday) when today is actually Wednesday. Your husband will look at you funny when you tell him to take out the garbage because -- you guessed it -- today is Wednesday.

Gonna be a long rest of the week.

Not Me! Monday

There is no way that I ran out of eggs and had to drag myself to the store before our first MOPS meeting of the new year to get my "homemade" muffins. And I certainly didn't tell a co-leader that maybe I didn't want to be a leader ... before the first meeting even started.

I certainly don't have 10 books from the library on my nightstand ... and I didn't add more to it this afternoon. I also didn't think to myself that we need to find a new branch because we've read all the good books. Its not like we read six books every night.

And I am not going to look at a new car this evening that would officially make me a "Mini-van Mom". Not me, I am too cool for that.

So what did you not do today?

So many questions ...

"I went away full, but the LORD has brought me back empty."

Book of Ruth, 1:21

When I get to Heaven, I will have so many questions for God. At the top of the list will be why do babies and little children have to die. My dear friend Katina lost her long-awaited daughter Rachel at 26 weeks. I don't understand and I am trying to rest in knowing that He does.

Please, if you can, keep Katina and her family in your thoughts and prayers.

You can laugh if you want to ...

Jake kept complaining he didn't feel good. He said his stomach ached and he did look a little pale. We were driving home and he says he has to vomit. Which he does -- all down the side of the car. After he is done, he says "Okay I can eat pizza now!"

Then we get home and the dog gobbles her food and drinks her water too fast. She makes a beeline to the door which means she is gonna spew. She gets outside, does her thing. I decide I want to hose it away. Start gagging as I do it and then gag so hard that I pee.

So there ya go.

P.S. Totally unrelated but when writing the title I was immediately reminded of this song ...

Back in action

Internet was down for over 24 hours. Four houses on the same street with the same problem. Cable company says it was just a coincidence. Yeah, sure ... the cable fairy strikes again!

Not Me! Monday

I did not shower and get dressed, get Molly dressed and head to the Y for her ballet class ... that isn't until Friday. Nope, wasn't me.

I did not tell Molly if she asked me one more time about when school started, I was going to lock her in her room forever. I'd never be that mean.

I am not looking forward to going to the library without kids because it means I can leisurely look at books without worrying about what the kids are doing. That's just plain silly talk!

What about you -- what did you most especially not do today?

About What Was Lost

One in five pregnancies end in loss.

That means the chance of you knowing someone who has had a miscarriage is high. Yet most women suffer alone because miscarriage is often a silent grief. There is only room in the pregnancy picture for happy women who go on to deliver happy babies.

But that is not always reality. About What Was Lost is a collection of essays from women who have experienced a miscarriage. The essays are powerful and ugly and real. I found myself wanting to underline almost every paragraph because what the writer said so greatly resounded with me. From the descriptions of the clinical and detached manner of some obstetricians (I am sorry but I don't want to hear my experience described as an "abortion" regardless of what your textbooks call it) to the people who mean well but hurt much with their cliched comments ("at least you know you can get pregnant").

Even if you haven't experienced a loss, I think you can take something from this book. Perhaps it will help you better understand a friend's grief.

Its ok, you can touch me ...

I am not a curse. I will not bring you bad luck.

I need not be treated like a social pariah.

Yes, I had a miscarriage.

Regardless of what you believe, I believe I lost a baby. What I saw in my ultrasound was a tiny beating heart in a tiny life. A life lost. I have three children now. Two here and one in Heaven.

Talk to me about it. I don't mind. Don't talk to me about it. I don't mind.

No, I am not over it yet. I won't ever be. I may not be crying. Or I may be.

You don't get to decide when my grief ends. I do.

Take heed ...

Little known cooking advice from Julia Child: Do not leave dinner on counter and leave 90-pound Lab alone with it. Half your dinner will disappear.

The seal has been broken ...

I got my first call of the year from school - and it is only the second day. Fortunately, it was a minor lunch issue BUT I can't tell you how my stomach clenched seeing the familiar number show up in the caller ID. Its a reminder that a.) I don't have a "typical" student in the school system and b.) there will be more calls in the next 178 days of school.

First day of school!

Here is to a good year for Jacob!

Explain it to me like I am stupid ...

Why is there uproar over President Obama speaking to students? I understand it is a political move to gain support for him -- but isn't that what presidents do? And really why should it make me upset that he wants to encourage kids to stay in school. The horror of it!

How was your summer?

School starts again on Tuesday. Summer will officially be over for the kids and I. So when I look back at this summer, what will I remember? A cooler than usual summer. Sleeping in and staying up late. Our annual trip to Myrtle Beach with friends. Finding a shark's tooth in the sand. Evening drinks with the neighbors. Swims in the pool. The absolute joy of seeing a positive pregnancy test. The crushing heart break of seeing your little one's heart stop beating before their first breath.

So much good and so much bad in just over two months. I wouldn't change a second of it all.

Quite possibly, I have an issue ...

In one year, I have read about 170 novels.

Notes from a disgruntled reader ...

A certain book I am reading has a sheet in the back of it where library patrons can leave their thoughts. Now I will say this book is not for the delicate reader (think Jodi Piccoult's "The Tenth Circle") but it is certainly not smut. More of a realistic look at the underbelly of teen life albeit a bit graphic in its opening. So this poor soul was so appalled that ten pages into it, he or she had to put it down. Their eyes! Their fragile sensibilities!

So what does this reader do? Writes "filthy crap" in the comments section about the book. For some reason, this tickled me today. You abhor the content of the book but your intelligent response is to write "filthy crap"? Heck in some circle, your second word could be construed as ... dare I say ... swearing!

So there you go ... I am reading a book about filthy crap. If you didn't think less of me before, feel free to do it now.

Everytime we say goodbye ...

Today I had sangria with a neighbor. It felt so normal. I even felt confident that by next Spring I'd be pregnant again. Then I come home, things slow down and darn it if the sadness doesn't creep in again. I guess its always lurking in the shadows and some times I am better at keeping it at bay.

Today is a good day

Today was good. I didn't cry. I didn't wallow in self pity. There wasn't much physical or emotional pain. I laughed. I spent time with a good friend and with my family. I read a book.

Tomorrow could be horrible but TODAY was good.

Membership

I am in a club that I would never ask you to join. The membership requires that your heart be broken into a million pieces. That you know a depth of sorrow that is unfathomable. It asks that you allow your baby to leave you -- sometimes before her first breath and sometimes right after -- and enter into Heaven. Some days you are angry at being a member. Some days you are comforted knowing you are not alone. Some days you just don't know what to feel. I don't know why I was asked to be in this club. Surely I didn't ask to be. I do know there is a reason and while it might not be clear today or even tomorrow, some day it will be.

If you too belong to this club, find comfort in knowing that you are surrounded in love by those who came before you. We are sorry you are here but we are always there for you.

I Will Carry You

By Selah

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says...

I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me
To carry you

Born into Heaven

Myrtle Bean was born into Heaven today. Her little heart gave out. While I never got to hold her in my arms, she will always be in my heart.

Rest well, sweet baby. Mama will see you one day in Heaven.

So tired ...

Bleeding again. My next u/s isn't until Wednesday. I could go into the ER but the doctor said do that if its heavy. Which it is not. Yet. And maybe it won't be and all will be fine. Or maybe it won't be fine. I dunno. Its just hard to be on this roller coaster.

Limbo Land

Had another u/s today and Myrtle is still hanging on. She even grew a little. Her hb is still dangerously low (77 bpm). The doctor was neither negative or positive -- he said its good that she grew, that she does have a hb and the sac looks good. Its bad that the hb is so low. I have to go back weekly for u/s until something happens -- good or bad.

This is the crappy post

Where I let the blogosphere know that I am losing the baby. That's actually a dumb phrase -- losing the baby -- because I know exactly where the baby is ... not with me. Even that's only half true because I did see the wee one and its even wee'er little heartbeat and let me tell you that is the hardest part. Hardest. Knowing you have a life inside you that is slowly extinguishing. Poof.

I am not mad at God, myself, the world or anyone. Its just sucks. A big giant ball of suckiness. A big ginormous crappy ball of even crappier suckiness.

Now I am going to close my eyes and wait for the Tylenol PM to kick. My friends, tomorrow has GOT to be a better day.

A bun in the oven ...

That would be me.

But in the typical fashion that is my life, its not going well. My progesterone is really low (you need that to make the baby stick until the placenta takes over at 12 weeks). I had one incident of spotting but that is all. I am on some lovely supplements three times a day that make me want to rip off everyone's head while I gnaw on their exposed spinal column (really, it is that bad). And apparently my hCG levels aren't increasing as rapidly as the OB would like them. (If my body won't cooperate with me, why'd she think it would for her?) So at this point two things could happen: I will miscarry or I will go on to have a normal -- well normal for me -- pregnancy. I'd much prefer the latter.

If you have some time, could you send up some positive thoughts, prayers and wishes for me and the bean?

I love this ...

I love the groom rolling out from the bridal party. I love how he meets the bride halfway down the aisle to walk together. Its cheesy but fun -- better than a stiff affair full of the usual ho-hum. And I bet they had a heck of a great reception!

I'm hungry ... and lazy

First things first, if I am the only one in the house not eating ice cream, how do I end up having to clean up the ice cream eaters mess? Hmm? HMM?

Ok, on to other things ... I have been on a bit of a genre-specific reading kick lately. I can't get enough of memoirs (or even fiction novels) infused with recipes. Right now, its Molly Wizenberg's A Homemade Life. Really, is there a truer statement than "oozy chocolate is hard to beat." I love the quick, concise narratives that lead into each recipe. And unlike Julia Child, she has yet to espouse the wonders of sheep brains. (After reading Julie and Julia by Julie Power and My Life in France by Julia Child, I have little interest in French cooking. Merci beaucoup.)

By the by, Wizenberg had a blog before she had a book and you can check her out at Orangette. Even the picture at the top of her blog makes me drool. Mercy!

So now you know the hunger part of this post. The lazy part is just that -- I have been too lazy to post for some time. As I mentioned I was overwhelmed and feeling blah (which now makes more sense to me but that's for another post). We were also out of town visiting my family across the state -- a trip the kids and I will be making again tomorrow for less exciting reasons. Our dog, our first child, has to have surgery to remove a cancerous growth on her side. She is 11 years old but in otherwise perfect health (really, the vet said she was perfect before we decided to aspirate the pesky growth). So Tuesday she will have her surgery on the east side of the state where Alli has been vacationing with my Mom for several months (another long story for another post).



So that's my story and I am sticking to it.

Overwhelmed

I haven't felt much like posting this week. I feel anxious and overwhelmed for no good reason particularly since I have no pressing plans (unless you count the laundry which has now taken me a week to complete -- and not because there was tons of it). The problem I have (maybe everyone does) is that when I feel overwhelmed, I don't press forward. I go into the previously mentioned sloth mode and do nothing. It means the kids are fed but otherwise left to their own devices (TV and computer being a favorite). I can literally feel the anxiety like a small engine humming under my skin. Its not a fun way to be but this too shall pass.

Vacation after vacation

Why is that when you go on a "relaxing" vacation, you need another vacation to recover from the vacation? Is it the mounds of laundry that pile up? The suitcases that need to be unpacked? The mail that needs to be sorted? Errands to be run?

I dunno. Whatever it is ... I need a vacation after my vacation!

Today I am planning to do nothing outside of the occasional load of laundry. There are lots of things I should do but nothing I will do.

If you look for me today, this is what you will see:

Happy 4th of July!

From the deck at our condo in Myrtle Beach (look closely and you can see the ocean behind the kids)...

Beached out

Life on the beach ...

Need I say more?

Perhaps maybe this ...

Free Paint

Go get you some: Free Paint

Happy Father's Day, Mom!

I am 33. It has been 15 years since I legally became an adult. Therefore, I find it ironic (and highly appropriate) that this weekend my Mom received a child support check from my dad. Happy Father's Day, Mom! You certainly deserve the honor ... and the money.

QOTD: Future careers for your kids

If you were to guess right now, what would you guess your child(ren)'s future career will be?

Jacob will be an astrophysicist or something related to space that doesn't involve direct contact with people and lots of computer time. He will probably volunteer to be in the first colony on Mars - as long as their is Internet access, cable TV and chocolate milk.

Molly will be the dictator of a small third world country where she can make everyone simultaneously worship AND hate her. Or perhaps she will be the next Anna Wintour (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anna_Wintour). Either way, she will rule.

Autism Acceptance or Autism Eradication?

"It is incomprehensible to me how a parent can advocate for awareness while making every attempt to eradicate autism. While they are advocating for modalities that allegedly recover their children from autism, what does this do to the efforts of those of us who are simultaneously advocating for awareness and social acceptance?"

From Adonya Wong at Healing ... Through the Eyes of Autism

Wings to fly ...

Tonight, Jacob has the opportunity to spend the night at camp. He, surprisingly, is wanting to do it. He tends to be a bit of a "mama's boy" at times -- he cries if I am not there to read to him before bed. So this is a big step -- dare I say a glimpse of his burgeoning independence? Ack. I don't know if I am ready to let him go. I know its cliche to say but I swear it was just yesterday that he was just a chubby toddler. And what about his promise to live with me forever and sleep in my bed until he is 25? (Yes, I know .. its a little weird ... but he was so earnest in saying it.)

Jacob and I have an extremely close relationship. Perhaps its because he was my first child and for almost three years it was just him. He was the one who divided my life into pre-motherhood and motherhood. Perhaps its our shared interests. We both love computers and reading. We can both be stubborn and will only dig in deeper the more you push us.

I really don't know what it is but I find his growing up to be so hard. I want him to find his own way but at the same time I don't want to let go of him. I don't plan to become one of those obsessive Moms -- I promise I will push him out of the nest long before he is 25. But sometimes I wish I could stop time for just a minute so that we can cuddle longer and read more stories together. Because today I got a glimpse of that not-so-distant future when I will no longer be the center of his universe.

(And this is the post my future daughter-in-law will point to when she tells him why she can't stand me, LOL.)

Your Love is Strong ...

The first time I heard the song "Your Love is Strong" by Jon Foreman, I was instantly attracted to the raw emotion of it. Its a great song and I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

The post in which you suddenly become insanely jealous of my life ...

My kids are gone all day every day this week at camp. From 7:40 a.m. to 5:20 p.m., I am blissfully and totally ALONE.

My plans so far are to do a lot of nothing followed by another heaping scoop of more nothing. Well, I might throw in some reading (Pretty in Plaid by Jen Lancaster - funniest writer EVER), movie watching (Tyler Perry's Meet the Browns) and I will exercise. But only when I want to exercise and definitely not early in the morning.

I might even nap. Naps are my friend and I haven't hung out with my friend in a few weeks.

Did I mention Dave is gone all week too? (And if you are a stalker or a murderer or robber, don't think this is an open invite to come over -- I have mad kung-fu skills AND I am from Detroit. I could hurt you. Bad.)

I would keep blogging but I think it constitutes as doing something -- and that's just not on the agenda this week. ;)

Are you waiting?

I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
and in his word I put my hope.
Psalm 130:5-6 (NIV)

We are all waiting on something -- the laundry to be done, the new job to come, the economy to change, our relationships to get better and countless other things. If you know me well enough, you have an idea of what I am waiting for right now. Sometimes, as my friend's Dad used to say, the minutes seem like hours. The tricky part of waiting, especially when it involves something major, is to remain faithful that God has it under control. We start to bargain with Him, plead with him and otherwise question His perfect timing. Sometimes we even reject Him and try to handle things on our own. I suppose in a way that is what makes us human -- the constant desire to be in control of all things. I wish I could wave a magic wand and everything I wait on would appear.

Then again, I wonder if part of the joy in it finally happening is because of the waiting.

The little green monster

What do you do when jealousy rears its ugly head and sets up camp in your heart? I have to admit, I am struggling with a bit of it myself right now. I've gotten myself into a situation (emotionally speaking) that I said I would not. Instead of lifting someone up, I am wanting to knock them down. What do you when Mr. Green comes to your house? I've prayed to God to remove the sin from my heart but I have to admit, its still lurking.

I noticed ...

I get a lot more hits when I tick people off. Or at least talk about people ticking me off. Guess its true -- drama rules. I need to think of something new and dramatic to write about. For now, I will leave you with some pictures of the kids from our trip to the zoo. Moments after these pictures were taken, the kids freaked out ... because well 100 birds is really flippin' freaky. Not to mention the exponential potential for getting pooped on.

My new love ... don't tell Dave!

I have a new love in my life. This love makes me feel pretty. It knows exactly what I need and want. Even better, its sitting right next to me and its NUDE ... I am even willing to share a picture of this new love in my life:



WAIT! As lovely as the model may be, she is not my new love. No, my heart belongs to the tank top she is wearing ... the Yummie Tummie tank. (Mine is nude color.)

I heard some buzz about these tanks on a few blogs -- they promise to rid you of your muffin top (without plastic surgery or a crash diet). I had to try it. Despite working out six days a week and watching what I eat, I can't seem to get rid of the muffin top. So when it came in the mail this morning, I was eager to try it on.

And guess what ... its all true! I am wearing it right now and the muffin top is hiding and the tummy is flat. Now I don't recommend you forgo a healthy lifestyle for a Yummie Tummie but if you are like me and need a little extra help, this is the product for you.

Athlete, I am not.

The neighbors were hosting an impromptu kids versus adults baseball game this evening. I gladly signed up for head cheerleader as my athletic skills are nil. Seriously, my own mother begged my gym teacher to let me sit out for everything but the most necessary of activities. Instead, I sorted his countless baseball cards. I wasn't even very good at that since I distinctly remember tripping over my own feet and dropping them all.

School's out for summer ...

Its the first day of summer vacation and the weather is not cooperating. Its cool, rainy and 58 degrees. We had a busy weekend so I think one day of vegging out is just what the doctor ordered. As it is, June looks to be busy, busy and more busy between summer camps, visits from family and friends, and our second annual Myrtle Beach trip. July and August are filling up as well.

I am not sure how I feel about being so busy because it means summer will fly by. But the alternative is a long, boring summer where the kids and I get on each other's nerves. I pick option A. ;)

Baby steps ...

Someone recently called me a "baby Christian" after hearing I was just baptized in 2006. I know the term is sometimes used to describe new Christians or those who are "stuck" in their walk early on. The term ruffles my feathers especially when referring to a new Christians.

My issues is that it sets up a superior/inferior relationship amongst people. "You are a baby, I am the adult" so therefore more mature than the person being called the "baby". Am I a new(er) believer? Yes. Do I have a long way to go to becoming more Christ like? Absolutely. Does that make me a baby? No.

It doesn't matter if you are a new believer or grew up in the church, if we are still on earth we have a long way to go in our walk. Life is a continuous learning process for everyone. I have just as much to learn from someone who has been a Christian for 60 years as I do someone who has been one for 60 minutes. Every person brings their unique perspective and personality into their Christian life. Look at Paul -- he was a new believer but he was no "baby" in his walk with Christ.

Instead of attempting to label someone, how about next time you try listening and learning something from them instead? You might just be amazed at what they have to say.

Winner of the book ...

is Catherine!

Congratulations to you! I will be sending your book out shortly. :)

Thanks to all who commented. It was fun to run a contest so I will be doing it again in the future.

Cold Tangerines

When I am not busy writing about celebrities, I like to spend as much time as I can reading a good book (and sometimes a not-so-good book). A neighbor recommended Cold Tangerines by Shauna Niequist. I haven't had the chance to read the book but the excerpts on her page have piqued my interest. I think this book will fall into the good category.



Shauna is graciously giving away copies of her book to anyone who comments on it via Facebook, Twitter, their blog or possibly even sky writing (though you'd have to officially verify that last option with her). Since Shauna is sharing, I figure I might as well do it too. (Ok, this was her idea, not mine.) Comment on this post with your the name and artist of a song that makes you think of your child (or children). Shauna writes about a song that reminds her of her oldest son in the book. I will randomly pick a winner through very official means -- your name in a hat pulled out by my lovely assistant Molly.

In case you are wondering what I would say, I can't hear "Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da" by The Beatles without thinking of the drive to the NICU to visit my Molly. It was one of the songs I'd sing to myself in the car. It was a nice upbeat song during a scary time.

Get in shape, girl!

(Thanks to Catherine for reminding me of that bit of 1980s nostalgia.)

I am a bit of a celebrity news junkie. Its not one of my prouder hobbies but one I am willing to admit (its all about transparency, my friends). So anyway, there's a little buzz about Melissa Joan Hart having lost weight recently (I know you are thinking WHO? Its Sabrina the Teenage Witch, folks). She was 155 pounds (gasp!) and now is 113 pounds. She did a front page article for People magazine talking about how fat she felt blah blah blah.



There are so many things about the article that I could complain about so I will start with this: The media again is pushing the idea that skinny is better. Poor Melissa was miserable being an average-size (yes, 12 is average in the U.S.) but look how happy she is now that she is at the low end of her BMI (even at 5'2 she is near the bottom end of her healthy weight). Good gravy! The woman had just given birth to a child. It takes nine months to gain and nine months to lose. Unless of course you are in Hollywood and you lose it in two days. What happened to promoting healthy habits for teenage girls? Is that so yesterday? I understand that obesity is an issue in the U.S. However, the answer to obesity is not going to the other extreme. I eat fairly well and I exercise six days a week. I am not a pencil nor will I ever be one. Being healthy and in shape does not mean you have to be a size 0.

The other issue that rubs me wrong is that she is getting accolades for having lost the weight. People, she is a celebrity -- granted a B- or even C-lister. She has a personal trainer, a nutritionist, a chef and a nanny to watch her kids while she works out. I don't care what anyone says, its easier for her (or any celebrity). Why should we applaud her? I'd rather applaud my friends with their two, three or four kids and no nanny who still manage to exercise. Their personal trainer is a DVD of Jillian Michaels and they are their own chef. Those are the women who really have to work hard at exercising and being healthy because there is no one to help them.

I will applaud Melissa -- and any other celebrity -- once she has to do it on their own. Until then -- sorry to say -- I am not impressed.

Laying it out for ya ...

If you come to this blog expecting some great moral discussions, you will surely be disappointed. If you came expecting me to wax poetic about a great political matter, you might want to leave now. In fact, if you came with any expectations you will probably not have them met. There are a ton of great bloggers out there who do a much better job. I am not telling you stop visiting my blog -- by all means stop by if all you are looking for is random moments in my life and mind. I got ya covered on that one. I am not even saying that I won't sometimes delve into issues deeper than whether a refrigerator is a TV or not. There are some topics near and dear to my heart that fire me up at times. For now, though, those issues are not the sole focus of this blog -- more like parts of the bigger whole.

So lower your expectations, sit back and enjoy the peek into my cluttered mind.

What a great idea!

I saw this program on the Today Show this morning and I think its a wonderful idea.

Operation Special Delivery provides volunteer doulas to the wives or partners of deployed soldiers, severely injured soldiers or those who have lost their life. If you don't know what a doula is it is a person who provides emotional and physical support to the laboring woman.

Check out their website and consider donating to them.

Allergies

Jake had a second round of allergy testing. To say he was upset would be an understatement. He is allergic to peanuts, tree nuts, grass, trees, dust mites, cats, dogs, horses, corn, wheat and oats. I am sure I am missing a few from the list. I should probably build him a bubble to live in.

MADSEN Cycles Link Contest

Follow the link. I want to win this for a friend:

Whatever

If you read the paper or watch the news, you've most likely heard about the Jon & Kate controversy. It is a hot mess. Now family members are coming out to defend the rights of the kids.



I find it a little suspect that these "loving" family members are speaking out now -- especially since Aunt Jodi pocketed $30K to do it. Me thinks they might just be suffering from the same thing that got J&K in trouble - GREED.

Parental blunderisms

A common refrain in our household when I was growing up was: "It's a fridge not a television, shut the door." Well they say you become your parents (I'll pass on the alcoholism, thanks) so I guess its natural that I found myself saying the same thing to Molly. Except when it came out of my mouth, it sounded more like: "Shut the door, that's not a refrigerator."

Uh, oops.

P.S. I also told my kids to go play on the Davison Freeway but I was kidding. Not sure of my parents were ...

33 years young ...

Happy Birthday to me.

Do me a favor ...

The summer months are upon us (finally) and that means more time outside. Our bodies will be wearing less and exposing more to the harmful rays of the sun. ALWAYS WEAR SUNSCREEN. ALWAYS. Slather yourself and slather your kids. Don't even assume if you have darker skin that you are safe. Did you know Bob Marley died at 36 from melanoma? While those with more melatonin in their skin are less susceptible, they are not immune. I want you in my life for the next 10 years, 20 years and beyond ... So make sure you are protected when you go out today!

P.S. If I have to tell you who Bob Marley is, remove 10 points from your coolness factor.

Jillian Michaels is evil

I am on Day 9 of Jillian's "30 Day Shred". A group of us are doing it "together" or as much as you can when you only meet online. It has really helped me to have a group to be accountable to about exercising. I haven't seen any changes in my body (possibly a one-pound weight loss)but my energy level is so much better. I've also added in a B Complex vitamin which is supposed to increase energy and metabolism. I want to finish the 30 days then move on to a new video as well as walking. Right now, its enough to do the 30-Day Shred without collapsing in a heap. If you have seen the video you will really understand this: I have a horrible desire to knock Natalie over. *snicker*

Not Me! Monday

I did not attend my final MOPS meeting of the season and get a manicure and eyebrow waxing -- for free!


I do not think my MOPS leaders are the best -- and not just for the free salon services. I am not signed up to be the new crafts leader and I am not scared to replace the current one (who did an awesome job). I did not let Molly have a doughnut as soon as we got home. And I did not get a birthday check from my in-laws -- of which I will not spend every. single. penny. on me.

So what did you NOT do today?

Building strong children

It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.
~Frederick Douglass

As I write this blog post, my kids are happily playing upstairs. Their bellies are full and they have no worries about their next meal. They have an overabundance of clothes, books and toys. There is a solid roof over their heads. If they are sick tomorrow, I could take them to the doctor. They have two parents who love them with all their heart and soul. In so many ways beyond their imagination, my children are blessed. It would be hard for them to fathom a reality where this was not the case.

Yet for so many children in the United States and around the world, there is no imagining. This is their reality. Every day is a struggle for even the most basic of needs. I can't pretend to know what its like to be a child struggling with extreme poverty here in the U.S. or in an impoverished country. But I do know what it is like to be poor. I know what it means to be hungry. I know what it means to worry about what tomorrow will bring.

When my dad left our family, he left it in shambles. We were lucky to have a house given to us by my Grandma. That's a blessing most people can't even imagine. What we didn't have was very much money. My Mom made $12,000 a year to support three people -- which would actually make us rich by most third world countries. But we were in the U.S. and we struggled. We stretched our food and our clothes to make them last. We had no health insurance for several years -- and of course I managed to need emergency services twice in that time. Its a true testament to my Mom that my brother and I are now both college graduates.

We are two of the lucky ones. Not all stories have a happy ending. I wish that every single child in this world could go to sleep happy and content like my children. While I know this is probably a reality not for my time, I try to help even in small ways. There are hundreds of ways that you can get involved. Right now, I am focusing my energies on two of them: Compassion International and Project Archangel Julie: School Feeding Program in Maai Mahiu, Kenya.

As you tuck your children in tonight, think about a child across the world -- or even down the road -- who is not as lucky. Then do something about it.

Three Things Thursday

It's another great addition of ...



You can write about any three random things that come to your pretty little mind - be it totally silly or completely serious. Then drop by the blog of Michelle, inventor of the Three Things Thursday and all-around super person, to let her know you did.

Without further ado, my three things are ... countries I want to visit before I go to Heaven. I've never traveled outside of the U.S. except to Canada. Given the fact that I grew up 10 minutes from the Canadian border (and my closest option was Windsor) it never felt any different than visiting ... say Ohio. I will say Toronto rocks as a big city. Anyway, back to the list.

1. England. I think this is a good first option for the foreign language impaired. There won't be (much of) a language barrier.

2. India. A country that is as beautiful as it is destitute. I have such a soft spot in my heart for the people and culture of this country.

3. New Zealand and Australia. Okay, technically two countries but if you are going to travel that far you might as well hit them both.

So there you go ... further insights into the wacky mind that is mine.

Wordless Wednesday

On medicine and melodrama ...

So much about being a parent is just guessing. I want to do what's right for my kids but half the time I barely know they need. I try, I really do. Most of the time all I can do is just pray to God that I am doing right by them. So it was with a fairly heavy heart and some reservations that we made a (possibly) life-altering decision for Jacob. We started him on an ADHD medicine this morning. I am not against medicine and I think it can be very helpful. I couldn't survive a day without the medicines I take. But this is my child and no matter how helpful medicines are to a person there is the potential for side effects. The idea of Jacob taking medicine for his condition came up a few years ago. We pushed it aside then to see if we could make it without going that route. Unfortunately, its become clearer in the past few months that he needs help. Not help to make him easier for us or his teachers to handle. He needed help for himself. You can't help but hurt to see your child so obviously out of control of his own body, his own brain. Its like his behavioral pediatrician said: "He is like an engine with its idle set to high." Even my Mom noticed it this past weekend. He is more impulsive, more antsy and just more out of control.

So we consulted with his behavioral pediatrician about what the options were for him. I trust his doctor implicitly. He is not a medicine pusher and he looks out solely for the best interests of Jacob. This is just a trial run for the medicine. If it doesn't help him, we will stop it. If he hates it, we will stop it. If it works and helps Jacob, then great. He is already a very bright child. (And that's not just Mama talking. He has tested higher than 85 percent of the second graders in reading and math on a national test. His reading level tested above the fifth grade level. He's in first grade.) What I hope is that this medicine can help him control himself and therefore help with his social immaturity. For all his brain smarts, he lags behind his peers in social skills. This is not unusual for a kid with an autism spectrum disorder.

I know some of you might be thinking this is all a bit melodramatic and it could be. Its hard not to feel emotional when this is something you and your spouse have wrestled with for years. In the end, all you can do is hope my kids realize I did the best I could for them - and I always did it in love.

Mother of the Year

Its nice to finally be appreciated.

Mom of the Year Award

Three Things Thursday

Three things I am thinking right ...

1.) Is Jake pretending to be sick? He slept late and said he didn't feel well. I kept him home with the understanding that he will not be going to the arcade tonight. His school is sponsoring a Mother and Son event at a local arcade tonight. We had tickets and he had been excited to attend. He said he doesn't care to miss it so maybe he really is sick.

2.) Do I have to get weighed at my new doctor? I really hope not. I ordered the 30 Day Shred after a few of my online friends were buzzing about it. I have not started it yet. I loathe the scale.

3.) Can I take a nap? I have been on a new medicine and it is kicking my butt. I have the energy level of a sloth. I could sleep all day and still feel tired. I am hoping my new doctor (see #2) will put me on something new.

So what three things do you want to share today?

Prayers needed

My friend's little baby Dylan has to have heart surgery to repair his aorta. Without knowing technical jargon, I can explain it as his aorta is collapsing. If it completely collapses, he will die. The doctors are meeting today to discuss a plan of action for the surgery. Ultimately, I ask that you pray for Dylan to have a complete healing. Also pray for guidance for the doctors in making the best decision. Please pray for Dylan's family to have peace during this time.

If Dante were alive ...

I think he would have added a tenth circle of Hell called: "Watching a cartoon based on the game Candyland with your daughter."



Truly terrifying.

Jacob Einstein

They want to move Jacob into third grade next year (from first) so they can start him in the gifted and talented program. He has already completed all of the first and second grade reading and math curriculum. He took a standardized national tests and he was in the high 80th percentile nationally for second graders.

This all hinges on us helping him to get his behavior under control. They'd like us to trial him on an ADHD med (something we had on the back burner) to see if it helps with his impulsiveness. Since he has the academics down, the only thing holding him back is his behavior.

My head feels a little whirly right now -- its a lot to take in. I skipped second grade and I found it hard in terms of "rites of passage" moments (driver's license, turning 21, etc.). His birthday is earlier so it won't be as hard for him but still. Do I want to do that to him? At the same time, he is bored at school and they are doing everything they can to challenge him. Do I want him to try meds? We have noticed his impulsiveness increasing lately. This might help at school and at home.

AHHHHHHHHHH!

I really need to pray, pray, pray (and you can pray for us too!)